Persevering Paige

I’ve seen/heard so many people talk about how the explore page on instagram makes them feel like they aren’t beautiful enough or good enough. Or how easy it is to fall into the trap of measuring their worth in likes and followers. Those are the definite negatives of social media, particularly instagram. Of course there are many positives, like seating yourself close to some inspiration, meeting new people, and staying connected. I realize there is good, but in the meantime I think often about the negatives like the things I shared above, and how they effect people. I just wanted to pop on here and say that we aren’t measured by the amount of likes or followers we receive. We don’t need to try to be “instagram worthy” to meet standards…we just need to be you and me. To me, that’s what’s really empowering. Being who we were created to be and embracing it happily and fully. If you look at that explore page, please do it all while knowing you are valued, loved, beautiful, and while everyone on that page has their own gifts, no one else on that page can bring the world all of the gifts that you can as you have a unique purpose and so much to offer the world and others. Keep your heart full of that always. Sing it from the rooftop friends. I’ll keep reminding you.

1/1/18

This weekend I ventured to New York City for New Years celebrations. It was my first time in the city known as the Big Apple, it was also the coldest NYE on record since 1962. Everyone talks about New York City, and to someone who has never been, it can seem a little frightening. They tell you things like don’t trust anyone, stay with your group, etc. While I was there I saw so many sights; Times Square, the Rockettes, rotating restaurants above the city… yet the one thing that stuck with me most about my time there wasn’t the tall buildings, the flashing lights, or any show; it was the simple kindness I encountered. On the 31st after we had been out exploring, we could not get back into our hotel because the entire area was blocked off for security reasons. We had walked into so many barriers trying to get back and finally in desperation, we told an NYPD officer about our struggles. He could clearly see how cold and tired we were so he walked us back to our hotel personally. I believe he was a guardian angel placed in my path. In the train station today, our train was delayed indefinitely and I have been waiting in the train station for hours. My phone battery began to dwindle and when I tried to place my phone in a nearby outlet, it fell out immediately. The outlet wasn’t able to hold my charger so therefore my phone wouldn’t charge. An older man saw me struggling and said that if he used his luggage to hold my phone charger in that maybe the weight of it would keep my charger plugged in. Thankfully it worked. It’s as if the world wanted to remind me that kindness is always evident and that goodness will always always triumph, even in the least likely of places. And that the effect of simple kindness is long lasting. 💕

I wrote this back on January 8th, and originally posted it on instagram. I realized that my longer posts work better in this forum *fail*, so here is something personal yet powerful…

My Dad died when I was a little girl. I was 7. From the age of 10 or 11 until last month, (so we’ll call it age 21), I lived with anger towards my father about some of the decisions he made in his lifetime and the way he chose to go about things. I believe anger is a natural human response to things. However, when it lingers for years and begins to consume you, it then becomes unhealthy and a problem. So many people, many much older than me, live with deep anger in their lives, that they don’t know how to deal with or process, and it greatly effects them. For me, I couldn’t get past my parent making me feel this way. They’re supposed to protect you, and console you. It’s hard to forgive those who hurt you. It’s even harder to forgive a parent who has hurt you. Throughout these years I listened to people tell me everything in the book. I just knew they didn’t quite understand since they hadn’t been through it. If you are feeling similarly, take your time. It took me over a decade. I yelled, and cried, and wrote, and sang in that decade and I can honestly say that eventually, after enough time has passed, after you get out all of the yelling you need to do, all that is left is love. The road to forgiveness is kind of like a tube of toothpaste, as my friend Reagan’s Mom said. Little by little, you get it all out. The funny thing about anger is are that it only hurts you. I can tell you that most of the time anyone who is angry, is hiding away intense sorrow underneath. I was. It may seem like a never ending road to forgive. Maybe a friend, or partner, or parent…but once you do it’s the most freeing thing in the world. To this day, I have zero anger towards a situation that once caused me so much pain. I only have compassion, love, and peace at heart. I know my Dad missed out, but I know he is proud of me, and I am proud to be his daughter. I’d be silly to think I’d be where I am if I didn’t have one heck of an angel father pulling strings for the past 13 years. Thanks, Tommy. ❤️

1.) So 20’s

2.) Pretty much.

3.) Classic 20’s!

4.) Managing College, Work, relationships, yeah…

5.) paying bills 

6.) $$$$$$

7.) No…I can’t relate to this…why? Actually, I so can.

8.) Adulting but you’re still a kid at heart.

9.) Being broke! The life of a college kid.

 
There’s so many more examples, these are just some of the best!

Last night I wrote down a few of the many characteristics of my mother that I miss. 
– the natural light about her that would light up any room and any life

-her contagious laugh

-her gentle presence

-her soft, kind spirit 

-her words of wisdom

-the transformative hugs in her loving embrace

-her pursuit of the little things in life

-her strong faith that even the most logical doubts could not shake

-her simple ways of being  

-her dedication to the most intrepid of tasks

-her eye for beauty in the least attractive places
I decided to turn those into a prayer, and share in case others want to do the same with a loved one they have lost. It was such a beautiful, helpful, and cleansing exercise. Please do try it. 💗
Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the gift of my precious Mom, who had a natural light about her that would light up any room and any life. Through that I was able to find delight. Thank you for her contagious laugh. It was through that quality in her which you specifically gave her that I learned the importance of laughter and spreading joy to others. I want to thank you for her gentle presence. It was through that where I felt your gentleness and learned to be a gentle soul myself. Thank you for her soft, kind spirit. Through that gift in my Mom I want to praise you. Thank you for her words of wisdom and her loving embrace. It was through those gifts you gave her where I first understood what it meant to be loved even a fraction of the amount you love me. Thank you for her pursuit of the little things in life, for in that I began to cherish, embrace, and value the little things and that has made all the difference. Thank you for her strong faith that she loved and held so dearly she passed it on to me. It was through that I was given something eternal, unconditional, perfect in my life. Thank you for her simple ways of being that are so memorable. Thank you for her dedication to the most intrepid of tasks and her eye for beauty in the least attractive places. Through that I discovered beauty in my own life where at times it has felt obsolete. For you gave me the gift of my mother that I cherish still to this day. You chose her to be my Mom and handpicked the most wonderful gifts to give her which have become a part of me. In that, I thank you, and I praise you, Lord. Forever and ever, Amen.

When you find yourself longing for a certain person, whether it be through distance, grief, or just missing them, it’s as if nothing can remove your longing for that one person. There are 7 something billion people in the world and when you miss someone, you may come across someone very similar, with similar qualities, mannerisms, but yet they will not be able to heal your yearning for the one person you are missing so deeply. 
Isn’t that something to think about? Maybe you have thought about it before, or maybe not. But the raw truth of individuality speaks for itself.
This Sunday, that’s what came to my mind and as I taught my high schoolers. It made me spend a few moments of my morning in awe of our creator. Individuality is something incredible. The fact that each one of us were created so unique, with an individual purpose, that even if we resemble another, we are still overwhelmingly unique in the fact that we are who we are. 
So don’t be afraid to live and be the very glorious soul you were created so uniquely to be. Ever. Happy Sunday.

In times such as this, where the world feels silent due to a gray tragedy, we first feel saddened. Immense sadness rushes into our hearts, our minds, and our souls. We then begin to get the feeling of, “Haven’t we been here before?” 

The world has a lot of sadness, a lot of suffering, and a lot of evil. But it also has a lot of good. God does not will evil, He wills us to love. When a national tragedy happens, we are focused on how darkness has hit and often it feels very real. We feel as though we are one with those affected by it. 
Let us not forget that in times such as this we are called to be the light. We are called to love, and show our love to others. We are always called to do this but especially in times such as this. Let us not forget that we are called to bring goodness. We have the ability to bring all that Jesus did to the world. And we are called to do that.

Praying for peace. Always praying for peace. And may we one day get it. 

Hug your loved ones tight, count your blessings, send a prayer to those affected by the senseless tragedy today, and continue to pray for peace. 

My sister called me a few days ago. I answered the phone by saying, “Hello?” only to not be answered back by her. I repeated my hello again, still no answer. The third time I said hello, I was again not answered. By the fourth time I said hello I was basically yelling into the phone at her, in a way saying, “HELLO? Are you there? You called me?!” She finally said, “Paige?” At this point I was like, “Yes???” She said, “That was so scary. I didn’t mean to call you and I didn’t know I accidentally had. I just heard your voice in the distance and was trying to see if you were here.” I started laughing. This experience, like many of mine usually do, provoked some thinking. I thought about how Jesus probably feels the way I was feeling in that moment a lot more than we can imagine. When we call on Him, and he tries to answer us but we are too busy…too occupied to hear him. So he is there, waiting just as I was, for us to just take the time to stop and listen… If we do we just might hear what he has to say. Don’t be afraid to listen.

This year I transitioned from teaching fourth grade CCD to high school CCD. For those of you who don’t already know what CCD stands for, it stands for Confraternity of Christian Doctrine. It’s a Sunday school class simply put. I’m Catholic, some things in the Catholic Church are made to sound more traditional. We are pretty cool though.

I so wanted to teach high school and I’m so glad I’m getting the chance to share with teenagers my wisdom as we walk through the most beautiful faith journey. We will walk through important issues they face today side by side, I couldn’t be more greatful for the opportunity.

I co-teach, so we rotate. This was my first week where I got to mainly teach. I read in the book that teaching CCD isn’t just going through the book, but also sharing personal experiences and insight from my life with them. So I wrote a little short speech to bring with me to share with them. I tried to connect it to the lesson as I plan to do each week. Today’s lesson was about Happiness. We looked at happiness in our lives and talked about what makes us happy. Here is what I said:

“You all are high schoolers. Not too long ago I was too. (Eastern View anyone?…yeah! That’s my school!) I’m 20…I know that may seem really old to some of you, but to Mrs. Quetsch and Mr. Medina, I promise you they’d say I’m pretty young. (Lol!) So today we are going to dive into happiness. The unit of today is called, “What Makes Me Happy?” Part of life is figuring that out. I believe that this unit is going to give you the foundation along with some basics to help you be able to tackle such an issue. I wanted to share a story about myself with you guys.  

So when I was 14, I lost my Mom. I spent a lot of time being angry. It consumed me. So as a freshman in high school until about the middle of my sophomore year, that’s where I was. Angry. I also strayed away from and for the most part completely dropped my faith. I was grieving a very deep and profound loss and I wanted nothing to do with the Church. The top coat that the grief put on me was anger, but the top coat eventually wore off just as it always does, and what was that the core eventually rose to the surface. And that was sadness. Complete and utter sadness. The anger gave me this strong-willed attitude where I didn’t need anything or anyone… I could handle it. The sadness however, broke me down and in a sense, made me weak and vulnerable to help. It wasn’t until that point that I fell back into the arms of Jesus. Even though he was there the whole time with his arms wide open for me like, “Sweetheart I’m right here…” I thought I knew better.

I was searching for comfort and healing in the world. Without faith, all there was was the world. This world. While the world does have many resources to take advantage of, it did not have the most powerful one. It did not have the ability to comfort me in the way I so desperately needed and longed to be comforted. It did not have the ability to heal my soul in the way my soul needed to be healed. Because while the world watches you struggle and says nothing, Jesus says, “I understand, for I have once too lived a cross  that seemed too heavy to bear. You are loved and I will walk this road with you. Every. Step. Of. The. Way. You are not alone.” 

Had I not turned back to my faith, I would still be searching. I would still be that 14-year-old girl searching and grasping at anything the world threw my way. I would be turning and looking to the world only to find my efforts unnoticed. I wouldn’t be here with you all on this beautiful Sunday. 

And while that was me so many years ago, I had to share because at one point you might feel the very same way. It took bravery and it took courage for me to turn back to my faith. And I want all of you to know that that’s how I see each one of you. Brave. I see you all as young St. Joan of Arc’s going into battle. (And if you’ve ever seen that picture of her riding on her horse you know exactly what I mean.) You being here shows incredible maturity and bravery.

The world will try to feed you many lies. Lies that young people such as you and I so often believe. But you being here shows me that you are strong enough to say to the world,” Ha! Come at me. I know what I need and I don’t have to believe a single lie you’re telling me.” 

As you get into college in your 20s you will more so understand what I mean. 

I wanted to share because faith has so much to do with happiness. A solid foundation is key to a strong, happy house.

Coming back to my faith didn’t just help me get through quite possibly the biggest loss I’ll ever go through in my life, it also helped me realize that while I may not have my earthly mother here, I have my Eternal mother Mary who is always by my side, never going to leave.” 

 I was sitting with my grandma at her house and we were talking about a loss in my life that has been very painful, as well as a new journey I have started for healing with that. A few weeks ago, I had asked my grandma if she had a Bible that I could have since I had recently misplaced mine that I was gifted in sixth grade. After we had spent about forty-five minutes talking, my grandma said, “Oh and I have that Bible to give you, Father insisted you have this one.” I opened the Bible and closed it and then opened it again. The second time I opened it, there was this little medal piece stuck in it on the exact page I had opened it to, so stuck that it had left an indent in the book. I picked it up and read it. It was a Padre Pio quote that read, “How unbearable is pain when suffered far from the cross, but how sweet and bearable it becomes when it is offered close to the cross of Jesus. May Jesus comfort you in all your afflictions. May He sustain you in dangers, watch over you always with His grace, and indicate the safe path that leads you to eternal salvation. And may He render you always dearer to His Divine Heart and always more worthy of Paradise.”~Padre Pio It is moments such as that in my life, and there are many, that prove to me that God speaks to me, and to all of us. I believe it was a reminder from Him to keep my heart open to uniting my crosses with the cross of Christ, and more specifically, that He wanted me to know that He has plans to help heal me from this particular loss I was talking to my grandma about. And when the Lord sends me a sign, in God I trust without a fear! 

I just wanted to share this story on as many platforms of mine as possible, because it is powerful. I just want each of you who read this to meditate on that first part up until the line:  “How unbearable is pain when suffered far from the cross, but how sweet and bearable it becomes when it is offered close to the cross of Jesus.” 

How powerful! 

Occasionally in conversation, birthdays will come up. Whenever I mention to someone that my birthday is on Christmas Eve, they always respond with one of two things. The first being, “Wow! That is awesome!”, the second being, “Oh…I’m sorry. I bet that stinks getting birthday AND Christmas presents.” Those that answer with the second response are always shocked when I tell them that I actually like having my birthday the day before Christmas. I tell them that Christmas is my favorite time of year and that nobody does give me a birthday/Christmas present…but that even if they did I’ve never cared much about presents anyway. During Christmas time we decorate our homes, spread joy, constantly think of others, sing catchy songs, and come together for a little while. It’s truly a gift to have your birthday in the middle of such a joyous time while being able to share your birthday with Christ. I wouldn’t trade it for the world! 💕 

Nowadays, they say true love is rare. I do believe that to be true. This is most definitely one my non-sense, late night blog posts that may not make sense when I am finished, yet here I am, writing it anyway. 

I do feel that, by circumstance, I have been blessed with the ability to witness true, strong, and everlasting love; so I have a better idea of what it looks like than most my age. On a different note, the experiences that I have overcome have also made me more aware of love and how precious it is in the moment. It has also given me the ability to love deeper and appreciate it more. 

I wanted to share with you, some personal stories and information that I have watched or been a part of that prove that true love does exist, even in its rare form that it’s said to be in today.

First and foremost, my mother. I get irritated with the English language at times because they do not make words to describe how amazing my mother was, at least I haven’t found the acceptable compilation of them yet. I’m still searching. She loved my siblings and I so much, and I got to realize/witness that a lot sooner and in a much more real way than most. My mother also loved the Lord in an inspirational way. This is simply about trust. My mother trusted in the Lord so much, it gave me the strength, the wisdom, and the grace needed to not have to question my faith ever again in my life, at the age of 13. Watching her struggle with terminal cancer and, when the options were all gone, she looked at me and said, “Paige, if this is the Lord’s plan for me, then I will have to accept it.” There aren’t many humans that could trust in something such as the Lord, knowing they will leave behind their three young children, and not be afraid. She exhibited nothing but one-hundred percent trust in the Lord, without fear or hesitation, and even managed to reassure my siblings and I when we feared for what our lives would be like without her presence. There’s something about witnessing that which gave me enough strength for the rest of my life. 

Second, my stepfather. He is an average good guy, but deep down, he is special. I mean that in a very good way. My stepfather, I could go on and on about-but to keep it short, there’s one aspect of him that I would like to address for this blog post. His love for my mother. He has been married 3 times. My mother was his third wife. He met her later in life, he was 58 when they met. She was 38. Yes, they were 20 years apart. My mother passed away almost 7 years ago, yet my stepdad has never gone on a single date, and often reminds me that my Mom was “the one” for him. Now I know many people get remarried after losing a spouse, all situations are different. My mother got remarried after losing my father. All I’m saying is, there’s something to be said about loving someone so much, that even years after they have passed away, you still can’t see yourself with someone else. I have always seen their love as an exceptional example of what I want in my own life. 

Thirdly, myself. I said earlier that everything I have been through, such as losing my parents by the ripe age of 14, has given me the ability to love deeper and appreciate love more. The example of myself that I wanted to share in my post about true love is this: My friend Reagan died two years ago and every month, I have visited her at least once. Most months it has been more than that. She is still my best friend, I still refer to her as my best friend, and I tell everyone about her. I have even caught myself referring to her as still being here. I went on a date once, and immediately drove there to tell her about it. I usually go see her anytime I need to talk and clear my mind, like we would do if she were here. I know that she isn’t physically where she is buried and have sometimes been upset with myself because I do visit so often…she is just buried in the most beautiful place. I have yet to figure out why I do go see her so much, though there’s nothing wrong with it, I think the answer is simply because she is my best friend. And just like I mentioned earlier about my Mom and my frustration with the English language…that also applies to my best friend. I try to describe her to people and stumble with words trying to find the right ones. Maybe people would realize how much it hurt if they could understand or get a perception of the type of being they were. Anyway, I have reflected upon that in myself and found it to be what I believe to be an example of true love, and how it can overcome anything. 

That’s the thing, true love is rare, but real, and it can, without a doubt, overcome anything. 

I found this quote about self care to be pure in intention. 💗

Dear Matthew,

First, I would like you to know how much it means to me that you chose me to be your sponsor. You asked me on Christmas Day, and it was the best Christmas present I have ever received. My heart is so full for you, of happiness and love. You have seen firsthand how much I have struggled with various situations in our life up until this point, yet despite that, you still chose to ask me, and I want you to know what that means to me.

Your middle name is Thomas, so it was only a little humorous that you are choosing St. Thomas as your confirmation saint. You see, it’s ironic and silly because your confirmation name is supposed to give you a new name in the faith. I chose Saint Louise-so in the Catholic Church, my name is Paige Alexandra Louise Hockman. Yours is Matthew Thomas Thomas Hockman 😉 just one of the many reasons why I love you.

I remember when you made your First Holy Communion, how Mom had to ask the priest to have yours several months earlier than all of your peers, because she was sick with terminal cancer and wanted to make sure she was there for it. I want you to know how much it breaks my heart that she will not physically be there to see you be confirmed, but that she will be there, in your heart and mine, and many other ways as well.

I would like to free your mind by saying: don’t worry, I will never drag you to church. I will never drag you to church because I physically cannot. As you know, we fight often and it is exhausting. You are to the point where you are taller than me and weigh more. I cannot drag you to church, and I have learned that when I try, it isn’t effective because you don’t get much out of it. Instead, I will strongly suggest it. I will be in your ear with my faith filled suggestions, always looking out for you. My hope is that you will choose to go. After all, confirmation is about choosing the faith for yourself. I know it isn’t the most exciting thing to do in the world, and trust me, as you know, I am not perfect and have been guilty of skipping mass before. However, I encourage you to go with me because I know there is nothing stronger than a sibling bond and with that being said, our sibling bond will thrive and so will our personal lives with the gift of God, so let’s go together, brother!

I have failed in my life. I have failed endlessly at so many things. I’m hard on myself, and have days where I want to give up. That is why I seek Jesus, and that is why I serve God. Because it gives me the grace and the courage to keep going and to try again. Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t be afraid to mess up. Yes, always try to be the best you can be and make the best decisions, but know that whatever you do, you have a God who will take it all and make your heart brand new. Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t be afraid to fall. Most of all, don’t be afraid to come to me, and together we can go to Him.

I know I don’t tell you this nearly enough, but I admire your strength and the kindness you possess just waiting to give out. Never lose that. You have endured far too much at far too young of an age, and as your older sister, that’s painful for me. It’s painful for me because I’ve been through it too, but mainly because I know how much losing Mom & Dad has hurt you, and how much you need them. Some days, it requires more effort for me to pick my cross up and carry it. That is when I call on Jesus to carry some of the weight.

I’m overjoyed that you are choosing the faith for yourself. I want you to know that this is a beginning, not an end! This is the beginning of your faith journey, and I cannot wait to watch you grow in faith and love.
As I was uploading this picture, I thought I lost everything I had typed, but then, I found it! See, always have faith. 🙂
Mom, and all of the Heavens sing for you, Matthew Thomas Thomas. May 26th will be a day to remember! ❤️