Persevering Paige

We all know that feeling of intense sadness, chances are we have all felt it linger from our heart into our bones at one point in our life. However, fewer of us know that same feeling of intense sadness that doesn’t pass…but lingers and stays. Depression. The sadness that packed it’s bags and is ready to call your heart home. It seems like a never ending battle at times, a battle that you will never overcome. It seems unfair, because it is. It is an uphill battle, that’s for sure. It is a battle with a light at the end of the tunnel, like many other battles in life. Most importantly, with proper support, help, and love, it’s a battle you will win.

I wrote this blog post because I wanted to share my story in hopes of comforting others, but also in hopes of sharing some of the things I have done that have helped a little bit in my journey.

Most people know my story, but here it is in a few painful sentences, short and simple even though the aftermath is far from it. I lost my father when I was 7, my mother when I was 14, best friend when I was 18, and an uncle that was like a father to me at age 19. While I have gotten very lucky in the midst of those tragedies (having a stepfather who is one in a million and a grandmother that goes above and beyond), it doesn’t take away the sting of having to go through my teenage and early adult years without the emotional or financial support of my parents. It also doesn’t take away the sting of not having my closest friend here to go through life with. All of these things do not define me, I have come a long way and will continue to do so, but it would be naive of me to say that it didn’t play a significant role in my struggle with depression throughout my life. It has.

I titled this article, “Finding God in My Struggle With Depression” for two reasons. The first, because depression is a work of the enemy. It is a mental illness that clouds your mind and tries to convince you that how you feel is reality. The key word is convince. I love how that word fits into this article because there is no better word I can think of to use to describe depression other than convince. It convinces you of a lot that is far from the truth, and can be very confusing. When someone is depressed, often times their decision making process will be more difficult because they don’t really know how they feel. How they feel is very up in the air, and painful. The second reason behind the title is because God is a major must have in winning the battle of the enemy, depression. He is essential because He becomes the middle man. If it is just you and your clouded mind, I have found it to be much harder.

There are so many details that go into my personal struggle regarding this that I wish I had the time to lay out for you in depth and with care. Truthfully it would take too long and I could possibly sway away from the point of this article. With that being said, I remember exactly where I was when I finally decided to open up to someone about how bad things had gotten for me, and ask for help. It was a quite liberating moment, so much so that I remember the date. It was April 7th. I was eating at Chick-fil-A with my grandmother when I took a deep breath, and through tears began to tell her how it felt inside to be me. It was a month and a few days after my almost five year relationship ended, which absolutely destroyed me. It was another loss, another ending. I’m not going to lie, I definitely struggled with depression pre-breakup as well, but the breakup is what pushed me over the edge. No one truly knows, but when I love, I love with my whole heart and soul, so when I lose someone I love, it destroys me. Change and grief have always been overwhelmingly hard for me…I have always felt like everything I have been through has given me the ability to love in extraordinary ways. Anyway, we were sitting by the window and I had my right hand over my eyes so that the people ordering food could not see me cry, only those in the drive-thru as I was looking out the window. I remember my grandmother looking at me the entire time but I did not look at her once. I told her that I felt like I was drowning inside, because I did. I told her that all I do is cry, and that this isn’t how I thought I would feel at age 20. I remember my grandmother saying, “Paige, I am very glad you told me about this because I have thought for a long time that you have not been yourself. We need to take care of this because I have seen it too many times, and if we don’t, it will take you over and then nothing will matter- not anyone you love, not school, not anything.”

Perhaps the worst part about dealing with depression is that it is not visible to others, and when it comes to describing how you feel, words seem inadequate. You can hide it if you try hard enough, and that’s exactly what I did for a long time. If you act like yourself and try your hardest to make it look like everything is okay, people will believe it, even those you love. It’s scary. For the longest time, sadly, I denied myself the help I deserved while falling into the false picture of what I thought strength looked like. Admittedly, I thought, “I am Paige Hockman, I am strong enough to handle this on my own, I don’t need help.” You can play that card for so long, yet even the length you can get away with playing it isn’t worth it for a second. My advice is to get help as soon as you recognize that you need it. When you deny yourself of the help you deserve, you are denying your family and friends of getting the best version of yourself, whom they love deeply. Above all, you are denying that version of you to yourself.

There are many Bible verses that hit the nail on the head when it comes to reaffirming that the Lord is close to those who are suffering emotionally. One of my favorites is, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under Heaven.” and that’s from Ecclesiastes 3:1. There are of course ones more specific in nature to connecting to depression but that one strikes me as one of my favorites because it confirms that this depression is only a season, and reminds us of the promise of Heaven that the Lord has for us.

There are a few things I have done that have lessened the load depression has thrown on me. I’ll list them below. No, they are not a cure all, they are just little things to minimize the daily struggle and lighten the load. These come along with taking medication from my awesome and lovely doctor.

The first and most important one, is that I make time for a spiritual life, and make time to pray daily. I cannot express in words how much that has helped me. I make an effort to attend mass at least once a week (Sunday), and each day when I wake up I thank the Lord for something special. It starts my day on a positive note and sets me up for a good start to the day.

The second thing, is that I write down on a piece of paper, 2 things that I am thankful for each day. Depending on my mood, they are simple or very complex. Some days they are as simple as, “It’s raining outside and I am inside.” Other days they are things much more detailed.

Another thing I do is make an effort to find things to participate in that add purpose and joy to my life. Fundraising for St. Jude has been such a phenomenal thing for me.

Lastly, I try to exercise more than usual. It does help. Honestly, I have never liked to exercise or been an avid gym goer, but recognizing that it helps with my well being I do try to make an effort to do it more than usual.

Finding God in your struggle with depression is not like tearing apart your room to find that one shirt you wore three years ago and thought of while getting ready because it would be perfect for your date…tonight. It is easier and requires less scrambling. He is always with you. I have found that being close to God, especially in times of broken-heartedness is helpful because it unites our mental suffering to Christ’s suffering in life and on the Cross. It is also a constant reminder of hope, and the promise of eternal happiness, and eternal life.

Remember that there is a light at the end of this journey, and that you and your heart will be better at the end of enduring it.