Persevering Paige

I am often asked, why even after everything I have been through, how I still have faith. You can’t blame people (family, friends, or even acquaintances) for asking, it’s a good question. If someone were to ask me that on the spot, I would give a simple answer like, “I just do” or “I don’t know”, when in reality, there isn’t just one set answer to that question. The answer is a combination of many things that all connects to the person I am.

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”-Hebrews 11:1

How do I still have faith after everything I have been through, one asks? I guess I would pose the opposite question back. How could I not?

The goal of this post is far from trying to convince whoever reading that they should feel the same way I do about faith as they go through their struggles, or that I am right and they are wrong. Yes, I wish they would, only because I want everyone to experience how awesome the faith journey is. However, the goal of this is just to put into words why I personally have chosen to keep my faith and grow stronger in it throughout everything I have been through, and hope that maybe someone, somewhere, will get something out of it. Faith is a personal journey and as you know, we do have a choice. We have a choice whether to have faith or to not have faith. I cannot speak for much, I can simply tell you that as someone who has suffered greatly at a young age, and also as someone who has throughout her life both had faith and stopped practicing my faith, I am a much happier person having faith than not. I mean mentally, spiritually, etc.

Look at my life and only my life. Imagine if I had gone through my life thus far without faith. Imagine. Think about losing both of your parents before high school without faith to guide you, losing your childhood best friend senior year two months before graduation with no faith, losing your closest uncle and father figure your first year of college with no faith, and day to day life years after lacking faith. It is scary to think about. To think that I would never see my parents and best friend again. To think about my mental state and progress coping feeling that way.

There have been more negative things said about faith, religion, and its teachings than anything in the world. There’s no way that more negative things have been said about faith than the recent election, right? In the words of the president-elect himself, “Wrong.” More people have criticized, condemned, and even completely denounced faith than anything, including the election and any sports team. It seems impossible but makes sense considering faith is much greater than the human mind is able to grasp, leaving a gray area and many questions unanswered.

If God loves me, then why did my mother die on my birthday at age 14? Why did my closest friend die at only age 18? Why did I only get 7 years with my father and 19 years with my uncle? If God is so loving, why do people go to Hell? Those are just a few things I have heard, thought, and seen on social media throughout my 19 almost 20 years of life. Looking back over the history of the world the last 2,000 years-more people have died due to religion than we are even able to count. Religion has started a lot of controversy, which I am sure only adds to the negativity being said about faith. I do wish so deeply, more than I could ever express, that I could plug in a formula and get the exact answer as to why all of these things happened to me/others/the world, but obviously I cannot. Life is not a math problem with one correct answer to every problem. It is rather much deeper than most of us are ever able to figure out. That is why I have always related more to literature, writing, reading, and english class than math. I am a deep thinker. That is also why I have connected to Faith.

Throughout my life, I have felt angry at God. I have felt that my faith had failed me and that there was no way I would make it. Often times we face hardship and think “How could God do this to me?”, but God is not mean, he is merciful and never abandons us. The world doesn’t owe us anything. It was here long before us and it will be here long after us. When we feel despair in the form of “How could God do this to me?”, we are looking at the situation in the wrong light. I have so much goodness in my life, that the world didn’t have to give me and that is because of God. His plan is different than ours at times. As a kid, we would ask our parents for things and be told no. We would scream and cry, and feel angry at them, but they told us no because they knew what was best. God knows what is best for us and we must not forget that.

Faith isn’t something I have because I am scared of the alternative, or something I am forced to have. I have faith because throughout all that I have been through, my faith is the only thing that has helped me see clearly. It is the only thing that has helped me to keep my head above water and not drown in the burdens of life. When I go to the Lord with my struggles, he takes them from me and cleanses my heart. Truly, God is the only one that has never left me.

I read in an article, something very powerful. It said, “Faith can be disappointing, at least in the heart of difficulties and uncertainties. If you believe nothing else about faith, believe that it is the hardest thing to hold onto when you need it the most. Paradoxically, as it’s been said, faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding onto. And sometimes, you’ll even think it is lost. You’ll think that you have failed and whatever battle you were fighting has come to an end; you’ll think that you have been defeated. You’ll think that your faith has failed you. I can’t speak for anyone else, but if there’s anything I know at all, it is that my faith has never failed me. In the scorecard of life, I may have lost more than I have won in all of the things that I have attempted. But I have always felt like a victor when challenges have come to pass, because even when I have lost something I worked hard for, and suffered through, and believed in my heart of hearts that I would get, I have found that what was prepared for me was something so much greater than I could have imagined.”-Kovie Biakolo

I have seen too many miracles in my short life to believe that life on Earth is the end, that this is all there is. There is so much more. I will share just one personal story with you.

It was a cold, cloudy mid-December afternoon in 2010. I was 13. My grandmother and I had just gotten back from the grocery store. My mother was terminally ill with breast cancer and would pass any day. She could no longer speak to me, move, or even hear the same. My grandmother was in the kitchen putting groceries away and I had gone into my Mom’s room to check on her. She looked at me and said, “Paige?” I said, “Yes mom?” She said, “Is Tommy here?” Tears began to form in my eyes as Tommy was my Dad who had passed away years ago. I said, “No mom he isn’t, why?” She looked to her window and said, “I see him waiting for me.”

Faith is being vulnerable to the idea that we are being guided in life to our true destiny and that there is so much more than this life. That’s why I am so thankful for my faith, because it has given me so much more. Faith exceeds Earthly time, space, and comprehension. I can’t wait to hug my Mom again but until then, I am down for the ride with my Heavenly Father that knows best.