Persevering Paige

If you were still here today, I know exactly what I would say, and I know exactly how I would say it. I don’t want to make it seem that through writing this- I am bragging about I having the best Mom out there, but I really did. 

You left the day I turned 14, so, early in the  teenage years. The teenage years are ugly, especially mine, so I never got the chance to say thank you for just how well you raised me. This was partially because you left before I was fully raised and was able to put into full works the values that you instilled in me, but also because it would take until I was a little older to truly be able to recognize and appreciate all that you gave me.

It took a little observing others, Mom, and being thrown into situations where I would need your instruments to be thankful for you. So throughout everything I have seen, felt, and done, if you were here today I would first hug you. I would probably cry a little while hugging you, and then I would wipe away my tears and manage to make out this message to you. 

Mom, 

Thank you. Thank you so much for raising me with morals and values that not a lot of kids get anymore. This has given me the ability to know right from wrong, and the power to know who I am and what I believe in. That builds confidence and strength for my life. Thank you so much for taking me to Mass every Sunday. No matter how badly you felt from your horrible cancer, you always went. No matter how much I fought you about going, because I didn’t “want to”, you did not give up on me. You did not back down, even though you felt awful yourself, you still powered through and forced your stubborn teenage daughter to go. I realize now the importance of it, the value of it, and how I turned out because my Mom gave me something so much greater than this life can give me, and did not give up on me. Thank you for teaching me that we are all precious, beyond words. I have taken that seriously. Thank you for teaching me manners and for being my number one person to confide in always. I never felt alone. Thank you for teaching me how important it is for a woman to make her own money, and to never rely on anyone else to provide for me-because often this life throws us curveballs and its best to always be prepared. Thank you for always keeping the house spotless, even though right after you cleaned it, we would always mess it back up. You were sometimes on your hands and knees cleaning up crumbs, or breaking your back to vacuum a spot you already vacuumed earlier that day. You made me feel that I was worth a nice environment to live in, and taught me that cleanliness is so much better than its polar opposite. Thank you for driving me places, and singing to the radio while banging on the steering wheel with your thumbs. That along with your contagious laugh taught me that this life is easier with some sugar & spice. Thank you for always writing a note in my lunchbox, it made my day even when I told you it was uncool. Thank you for always hugging me goodnight. Thank you for giving me your everything, even with the short amount of time I had you. Thank you for making it so that one day, I can give my kids everything you gave me, and I can be an amazing Mom too. It’s all because of you. I sit in awe a lot, just thinking about how thankful I am for you, and I just wanted you to know. Some kids, they don’t get this lucky. They weren’t given a Mom like you. I always feel like I am “way too good” compared to kids these days. Maybe I am, or maybe I was just raised by the best Mom in the world-that knew what she was doing. I’m not afraid to stand out in the crowd because I know who I am and what I don’t do, and I understand that I am worth more than this life could ever offer me. And it is all because of you.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You will never know how much it means to me. I would’ve written you this on my wedding day, on some fancy card, but I didn’t get that chance. I just hope you know how thankful I am for you. 

The other day, I went to visit with a good friend of mine. If I were to tell you just how good of a friend, well, that would be a story in itself. I can’t begin to summarize our relationship, because it is quite unique. My friend’s name is Ann. Ann Frazier. Ann is, I am not sure of the exact age, but she is in her 90’s. I grew up with her as my next door neighbor, living right across the street from my childhood home. I moved there when I was almost one, and lived there for 10 years. Even after those 10 years, we still kept in touch-as you can see. Ann has known me since before I even knew myself. Ann also knew my parents, both of them, and even their families very well. I grew up always visiting with Ann, I enjoyed as a little girl going over to her house to collect pine cones in her front yard, and then going inside to talk and have Oreos. That was when I was about 5 or 6. I lived across from Ann with my Mom and Dad, and they would take me over to Ann’s and talk to her as well. Ann knew my Dad’s family well, all of his siblings and his parents-because they lived in our house growing up before I did. My favorite stop on Halloween was always Ann’s. She is truly a remarkable woman, I could go on for hours.

Now, I am not 5 or 6, I am 18 almost 19, and as I walked into Ann’s house I was overflown with emotions. A picture in my head from when I was 5 or 6 and going over to her house danced across my mind, and I pictured myself as that same 5 or 6 year old girl, with dirty blonde hair and a wide smile going over to see my neighbor Ann. Only this time I had to drive instead of walk. Every time I visit Ann, she spends hours talking to me about my Mom and Dad, sometimes telling me the same stories each time I visit, but new ones do immerse as well. I think she wants to give me a taste of them for a while, because maybe she can see how much I miss them just by looking at me, or maybe because she just wants me to know that someone out there values my heart enough to want me to know. Anyway, we get to talking, and I’m looking at Ann, fragile as ever and partially wondering how she is still here. It is bittersweet and a pinch of happiness to get to visit and talk with her, but it’s also a thought in the back of my mind like, “one day, and maybe soon, I won’t have her to talk to anymore. Everyone does have an expiration date.” I get sad for a few moments, but then I wash it away by telling myself that Ann is almost immortal, and that she has made it this long, she won’t go anytime soon. 

As we are talking, we get to this one point in the conversation. She is telling me about her adopted grandson (long story) and then she says, “I lost my brother to pancreatic cancer in 95′, and then a few years later we lost his son.” I could see her eyes begin to tear up. She said, “I still miss him. But it’s nothing compared to losing a mother and a father, that isn’t easy” as she looked over to me. I looked at her and swiftly looked away while saying, “Every loss is painful, it doesn’t matter who it is.” 

The conversation brought me to something that I have always strongly believed but just never wanted to face. Many say that time heals all wounds. I strongly and utmostly believe that it does not. You see, what time does, is put scar tissue over the wound. It does not “heal” it. That wound will never completely go away, ever. It will always be there. It just lessens as time goes on. But it will never disappear completely. Love is a force so strong, and grief is the price we pay for love, it is a lifelong process. Those tears in Ann’s eyes of 95 years or more confirmed that for me. I think that what I just stated, scares a lot of people and they don’t want to accept that as the truth but it is, it is. And as close of friends as grief and I have become I am almost compelled to say it. As I sat on Ann’s couch, I felt like a girl that would always be burdened by a broken heart and a record player of memories in her mind. As I looked out of her window and onto green hills overlapping each other, a few butterflies, flowers, and a blue sky, I was given hope that one day I would take control of my life and my heart and my mind and feel okay, but I still wasn’t completely sure. 

What I am sure of is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone is different and it although it never completely goes away, people get to different stages at different times than others. You will have good days and you will have bad days. And while everyone grieves differently, there is a such thing as positive and negative grief. Positive grief is confronting it, even on your worst days when your heart is aching-and filling your hurt with •positive• things to make you feel better. These things can be anything. Loud music, that when you listen to you feel invincible and that you can conquer the world. That’s okay and if it helps, do it. Visiting old friends, church, exercising, making frequent trips up to cemeteries to talk to loved ones, listening to yourself, and adding in positive things to better your life, and yourself. 

Negative grief is the opposite. Negative grief is not confronting the hurt, and digging yourself deeper into a hole away from getting back to feeling better and being truly happy. When we are so upset we think that filling out lives with drugs, alcohol, and rebelling against those that love you will fix the hurt. And it might, but for a short time and in the end it only makes you feel worse. The negative way of grieving looks tempting and good, but it is really just what I said, negative and angry, and will not get you to the healing place you are so desperately searching for. 

I write for myself, but to also share what I have learned with others in hope to help someone who might take something valuable from this. Even in your darkest moments, there is always a light. Breath, and embrace the good days, my friend. They make it worthwhile…I thought, as a cat nudged up against my leg and I reached over to have a sip of my Coke. 

“Your mother…” Ann continued.

Let’s be honest, those that know me, know that hockey is the love of my life. It has helped me through so much, and has truly been the light at the end of my dark tunnel. The offseason is long and treacherous, and at this point in the offseason I am wondering just how I have managed to remain sane. So I have decided to make a list of things that I have done during the offseason to pass the time-things that I don’t normally find myself doing. 

1.) Getting acrylic nails put on and going back every 2 weeks to get them “filled”.

2.) Watching the Miss America Pageant (lovely show & great young women… I just don’t normally watch it)

3.) Watching football and matching players by look to characters of ‘Friends’

4.) Switching from pourable laundry detergent to Tide PODS for “fun”

5.) Working out

6.) Taking multiple selfies in Caps apparel to comfort me during the withdrawal pain

 Yeah, it’s been a rough offseason. I also came to the realization that this will be the first full NHL season that I have to go without my number one Caps buddy and best friend, Reagan. Sigh.
But in real hockey news, congratulations to the Caps Captain Alex Ovechkin on his engagement this week. As far as the Caps go, I think this will be a solid season for the boys. And, hopefully, a lot less heartbreaking…

We all know that no matter what you do in your life, there will always be people that find something to critique. Whether it be family that care about you and just want to help, and think by giving you their opinion that they’re doing so; or whether it be people that simply know of you and find it worthwhile to comment-you simply can’t escape it.

In a painful reflection, on August 15th (almost a month ago), I left for what I thought was the start of my college adventure. I had done everything I needed to do for the big day. I had spent the entire summer dorm shopping, getting the appropriate collegiate loans in order to pay for school, sending in all of the necessary paperwork to the college, etc. What I didn’t know, and what a lot of other people didn’t know was that if I were to simply listen to myself, I would be on a different path. In order for you to understand this, and me, in its entirety, I will need to flashback to my senior year for a little bit.

…… so flashback to senior year. As many people already know, my senior year was not the average senior year by any means. Long story short, because I will not go into that much detail, my best friend since early childhood lost her battle to Ewing’s Sarcoma bone cancer 2 months before graduation. It was extremely difficult, and adding in the fact that I had already lost both of my parents, it made it an unfathomably difficult situation. Anyway, I managed to make it through the rest of senior year (which had many more uncountable struggles) and cross that stage and yes, I love myself so much for being able to do that. On a different note, my boyfriend of three years decided to go to school across the country, which I supported him and his decision 100% because I wanted him to do what was best for him and I knew that this was it, but that was so incredibly hard for me to digest and accept. All summer, I was dreading college move in day (we had the same move in date). Partially it was because I did not want him to leave. Even though we would still be together, my mind took it as “this is another loss, you’re losing another person”-which really messed me up even more than I already was. The great unknown was scary, too. Just the realization that I would not see him for weeks hurt so badly, because it’s another person my heart would be aching for. I also kept thinking about how he could wake up one day and find someone closer to him, and not need me anymore. I did not expect him to do this by any means, but still, it sucked. So here, you have this broken-hearted girl that is truly and utterly a mess, and everyone else around me is deciding on college’s, and I did decent in high school despite everything, so I thought it was what I was ‘supposed’ to be doing. Mistake #1. You go to college, especially a four year institution because you want to, not because you feel like you’re supposed to. I also thought I was too good for community college at the time, so that also helped to get me off to a 4 year school.

I toured Meredith College 5 days before my senior prom, and I wasn’t nuts about the whole idea, but if I had to pick a college, I liked this one the most I was going to like a college, and I chose it a week later. My tour guide was super nice, it was a pretty campus, they had the right feel for my personality type and a good program for the major I planned on pursuing so I chose it as my college. I was a girl with all of these hidden feelings, I didn’t listen to them myself so I definitely didn’t talk to anyone else about them. I wanted to get it over with and move on,  I thought I was doing the right thing. My boyfriend was going off to school, all of my friends were, this was right.

|So back to the story|

August 13, 2015- I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend of three years as we headed our separate ways to begin college. Even though we both didn’t move in until the 15th, my school was in Raleigh, NC and we were leaving early on the 14th to drive down and get a hotel in the Raleigh area so that we could make it to the school in time for move in day on the 15th. So we had to say goodbye on the night of he 13th even though Hunter wasn’t flying to Arizona until the morning of the 15th. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life was say goodbye to him that cloudy night. I cried while saying goodbye, I cried the entire way home, and eventually stopped so that I could get some rest. When I woke up the next morning on August 14th, and to describe it to the best that I can, I felt 12 times lighter than my normal weight, kind of like I was floating. I gathered the rest of my belongings together, ran last minute errands in town, drove my car for one last bittersweet time, carried everything out the door and packed it into the rental car that my grandma had gotten for the trip. I hugged my stepdad, got in the car, and off I went.

The car ride down to Raleigh was smooth, quick, and for the most part easy. We got to the hotel fine, and it was only 2.5 miles from the school. I carried in my tiny bag for overnight, and layed down on the bed with my face towards the wall. I was on the verge of tears and didn’t want anyone to know. I started to cry, but quietly, as so many things ran through my mind. My heart was aching, and no one had a clue just how much. A few minutes later my grandma said that she was going to get some dinner, and even though I wasn’t hungry at all, I told her okay. My brother and sister went with her. As soon as they left, tears started flowing out of my eyes like a river. I was so heartbroken that Hunter and I were separated, I was so not ready for this huge transition in my life-and I couldn’t act in the least that I was. I was miserable and I hadn’t even gotten there yet.

The morning of the 15th, move in day, I felt even worse. My roommate and suitemates texted me excited and I responded back hoping I didn’t sound as miserable as I was. I was able to send Hunter a few texts, but he couldn’t respond because he was already on a plane to Arizona. I got dressed and headed down to the hotel lobby to have some breakfast with my sister. That’s when it started. My stomach clenched up and I couldn’t get anything down. I was physically not hungry. I crossed my arms, because sitting tightly in that position made the pain I was feeling go away. I managed to get 4 cheerios down and I drank most of this tiny cup of hotel coffee. My sister and I went back up to the room, got our bags, and went downstairs to the car…this time I was really off. My grandma said in a peppy tone of voice, “Off we go!!” and I just had this blank look on my face, and gave a lousy half smile when she looked over at me. We put the address of the school into the GPS and within 5 minutes we were at the light to turn into Meredith College. My grandma said again, “Meredith College!”, I said in return, “yeah!”

We pulled through the gate into the school and there were upperclassman banging on frying pans to greet us with the craziest outfits on, this time I smiled for real, although I still think my grandma got more of a kick out of it than I did. There was also this huge balloon arch to greet us, which was cool and made me happy for a few seconds. We pulled into this waiting line of cars and waited 45 minutes until our line was dismissed to drive over to my dorm. It was still going to take forever to get to my dorm so I ended up jumping out of the car and carrying a few of my boxes over to my dorm with my brother. I checked in, filled out some paperwork, got my dorm key, found my dorm and set my boxes down…then went back out to get more. On the way out of the dorm building, I saw boyfriend’s of the girls helping them lift boxes out of their cars, and parents doing the same. I truly felt like I was dying inside.

I met my roommate and finally got all of the boxes to my dorm. She was super nice, and actually just like I had imagined her. Her family was very nice too. I found out from the orientation packet that they handed us, that the school had actually planned a day full of events for us to do. I was so upset at this because I was waiting on a phone call from Hunter to let me know that he had landed and I wanted to spend this day with my family. Hunter ended up calling me before any of the sessions started, and I had time to go to the campus store and the dining hall with my family. I still could not get anything down.

My family eventually left, and that was pretty emotional. The rest of the day passed just like every other day. The next morning, I woke up feeling like, internally, every part of me was crashing down. It was more than just a ‘tough college transition’, it was heartbreak and misery to a complexity that very few human beings can understand. I woke up the next morning feeling the same way, and still could not get anything down. I had also been crying the majority of the last few days. I was calling loved ones on the phone and all of them were saying that it would get better and that I needed to give it time. The next day, nothing changed and I called my aunt crying and she said, “If you came home what would the alternative be?” that hit me hard, because surely feeling like this was not healthy or the only option. She then said, “I feel like your Mom wouldn’t want to see you come home, because you wanted this so badly and you worked so hard for it. But I also feel like she wouldn’t want you there if she knew how sad you were.” Other family members reminded me that if I came home, Hunter wouldn’t be here, and that everyone experiences some sort of homesickness. The next day, it got so bad for me that I called the counseling center and left a note in my RA’s box. The counseling center was so glad I called and told me to come down whenever I could. I did just that. I met with the counselor on call, she was very nice, her name was Beth. I told her exactly how I was feeling. I think it went something like this…, “I just feel so…sad. I really do want to be here, but it’s like no matter how hard I try, I can’t get this feeling to go away. (at this point I’m crying-laying my heart out to this woman) I feel like I jumped off of the diving board instead of wading myself into the water first… I lost both of my parents, and I just lost my best friend in March, and my boyfriend of three years is across the country now, and I feel like this transition would be hard without all of that, and that just makes it unbearable. I really do love Meredith, but I feel like I just need to get myself in a better place before I go off to a 4 year school.” She just listened, and we set up an appointment for the next day. When I got back to my room, my RA had written me this really sweet note back. It was really great to know that I had so many people there for me. I called Hunter and he asked how counseling went and if I had eaten anything. I told him that it went well and that I would try but that I wasn’t hungry. He said, “I’m trying to figure out why it has been so hard for you.”

The next day I met with my counselor, and left. But shortly after I left, I returned with a note to leave in her room-telling her that I had decided to withdraw and return home. She called me shortly after she got back to her office and received my note.

So many things were running through my mind like…Will I be made fun of by people? Will I be able to register for community college classes this semester? Ultimately, everything worked out, and I made the right decision. I love that Meredith College’s slogan is, “Come to Meredith and find out just how strong you are”. I realized so much that week. It was such a self-identifying week for me, and I did learn just how strong I am. I realize that no one will ever be able to comprehend just how hard August 15-August 21 was for me, but it’s stuff like this that I hope brings them closer to.

~and since I learned so very much, I figured I must share it with you. I learned the power of listening to yourself. You know what feels right and what feels wrong, and doing what is best for you is so important. I learned that there are so many ways to go about things, even college. I learned that there is a difference between quitting and doing what is best for your well being. I learned that most people want what is best for you, and sometimes that means handing you their opinions, but you can pick and choose from them as to which ones you want to keep and which ones you want to trash-because you know what is best for you. I learned that when you have been through a certain amount of heartbreak-sometimes you need to take a different approach to things, for your own benefit. I learned that those people that want to make fun of me for coming home from school have not been through nearly as much as I have and probably never will in their entire lifetime-so they will never ‘get it’. I learned that I will be in so much less debt when I graduate college by doing 2 years at a community college. I learned that I know who I am, and I am not the girl that drinks and parties, and that is okay. I learned that I am not meant for a four year, out of state college at this point in my life and that is perfectly okay too.

There are so many reasons why I chose to do what I did, but I have been home for 3 weeks now, and feel so much better, which proves that my feelings were so much more than Hunter leaving. I am registered for community college classes, looking for a better job, went back to attending weekly mass (which helps me so much) and have started volunteering as a CCD aide. I have even been eating better to gain the 4.5 pounds back that I lost at Meredith. My grandmother rented another rental car and drove up to Raleigh less than a week later to get me. At this point in my life, I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I firmly believe that I was at Meredith the time that I was for a reason, and I left for a reason too. I am thankful that I was able to go and try, and for experiencing such a great school for the time that I did. I met so many amazing young women and if it were under different circumstances, I have no doubt that I would still be there.

Right now I am listening to Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift and I feel like my soul is being put back together. There is something about that song, just like there is something about my journey.

My life continues to be quite the journey, leading me to the ever unknown of where I’m supposed to be. When I safely get there, I’ll let you know. Until then enjoy my writing. You know it’s good and will only get better because…it’s this climatic and I’m not even 19 yet.

Hi there. My name is Paige and I am a senior in high school. Writing is one of the things I like to do. It is therapeutic for me. I normally post long, dreadful Facebook statuses with my pieces of writing…but recently I decided it would be better to just do this. So I created this blog for my personal writing pieces or thoughts. There is no particular theme of my posts on here, just whatever I feel like needs to be said. I don’t post too many of my personal political views or iffy topics on here. Anyway, I’m just looking for people who enjoy the good taste of the English language and can understand why I write, and hopefully can get things from my posts. Sound like you? Great! I’d love to have you! I might not post everyday, but I will try my hardest! Thanks, hope to see you back.:)