Persevering Paige

I was thinking as the title of this blog post says about my life recently. It is late, and though I have pounded 2 cups of coffee, this may be lapsing in sense. Bear with me. :-).

So much has happened in my life since the last time I sat down and actually wrote a blog post. I applied to several extremely competitive graduate school and was denied or waitlisted and denied later. I left the classroom I had been teaching in for 3 years. I wrote a book that I have been thinking about since I turned 16. I spent a lot of money on the services necessary to self-publish a book. I questioned all of those decisions and felt down about the grad school stuff. My head and heart were so torn about all of it. My health went downhill, and I had many unexpected doctors visits and medical bills to attend to.

On the bright side of those changes, I found employment outside of the first “real” full-time job I had ever known. I am not working full-time right now until I get some answers and feel better health wise. I made peace with the grad school thing. It was 100% for the best. I will hopefully be able to recover financially from the book, health turmoil, and many other unfortunate events that have happened to me over the course of a year…but at this point I have stopped stressing. It is not my fault that my health took a turn, and the book is an investment into my healing and my writing career…one that will hopefully pay for itself over time.

I was thinking about how hard it was for me to make the decision to step away from my full-time job as a teacher, one that I had worked so hard for. I knew it was the best for my mental and physical health, but I still struggled so much. I was also thinking about how hard it has been for me to accept that my physical health is no longer 100%. Both of these things are complex realities that I was unprepared for. Thinking about everything I’ve endured, the changes both good and bad… I realized something which inspired this blog post.

At the time, I was beating myself up for not getting into graduate school. There were many “easier” programs I could have applied to, but I wanted a creative writing master’s degree, and the odds were less than 5%. I was so hard on myself for not getting accepted to the programs I applied to…even the one I was waitlisted at. I realize how ridiculous I was being. I should have been thankful I had the courage to apply knowing I was facing such a likelihood of rejection. The whole time I was being ridiculously hard on myself and overlooking the positives, it ended up being a blessing in disguise.

When I was applying to grad school, it was before my health went downhill. I truly can’t imagine going through all of this health stuff while trying to begin grad school while also beginning as a graduate assistant. I truly believe God knows all and looks out for us. That can look and feel like a lot of discouragement and disappointment.

And so, I guess I just wrote this to encourage you… if you are facing rejection, know that you are not alone. It may be for your best interest. I know that is hard to hear and not ideal…but as odd as it sounds…I’m truly glad I didn’t get into grad school. This time to reset, find answers, and heal has been life changing. I wouldn’t have listened if I tried to tell myself that months ago. Some day, I will get my master’s degree…but like I said a few paragraphs ago…I’m not stressing. I wrote my book and plan to bask in that for a little while. I think I will wait until I truly feel a push in a certain direction…one that is tied more to faith and not so much my hard-headedness.

And a little health update, while I am still working on accepting that I have an illness that likely will never go away… I am trying to find the good in the storm…or so to say. This illness has really taught and uncovered a lot for me…many things I really struggled with for a long time. I have always known I do not handle stress well. I have always wished I could change that about myself. This illness has given me the opportunity to recognize moments of intense stress and respond differently…because stress now makes me feel so bad I don’t have a choice but to respond differently. It has also given me the knowledge that even though teaching was so hard and I struggled in a variety of ways…my heart is in the classroom. I questioned that because of a lot of things…now I know. It’s funny how not being able to do something makes you miss it. It has also made me grateful for the years I was healthy…without hives…without flare-ups.

So, yes, life can be disappointing, frustrating, devastating… I am still going through the emotions of knowing I will have hives every day of my life, but I started a medication that has completely changed my life this week. I am hopeful. I will likely have to be on it forever…but life is life…and we can’t control it.

When my mom was going through cancer, she used to tell me “day by day.” I have spent so long worrying about the future, and to an extent, I still do. But I am now forced to live in my mother’s mantra due to mast cell activation syndrome. It seems unfair. My life truly has been. The best I can do is to keep going…one day at a time…knowing I will feel and wonder all of the things…but God knows and looks out for us. His way is always best. Even when we don’t understand.