Persevering Paige

I have seen and heard it all when it comes to this pandemic. I have heard all that is bad about it, and so much that is good. During this time there is so much to open your eyes to when thinking about all that has changed. I’m convinced that when you look for good, you will find it. I realized that I may never get a chance like this again; a chance for my life to slow down, to spend quality time with my family and loved ones, as frequent of a chance to sit in the stillness of time. The world has quieted. The air is clearer than ever. We are focusing our attention on the weakest ones. We are singing to neighbors across balconies, we are removing confines placed on teachers in the forms of standardized testing, we are cheering on doctors and nurses from our windows and streets. We are appreciating grocery store employees, janitors, and creatives more than ever. We are in our homes, but we aren’t locked up, with the key thrown away. Perhaps much has been unlocked for us.

Of course there are the down sides. People are losing income, worried and scared, amongst the plethora of emotions felt by humans globally. Many are out of whack, feeling isolated and lost. Some have family and friends who have become sick, which only adds to feelings of fear and concern. The coronavirus stay-at-home orders have become political, causing division when we should be united. This time is a double edged sword, as many things in life are.

For me, this pandemic arrived during my hardest semester of college. 18 credits, 20 hours of math remediation, and 40 hours of field experience that were required. Before COVID-19, I was rushed, exhausted, and overwhelmed. I was very much on the edge of having a serious nervous breakdown, if I did not already have one. When my university confirmed that the rest of the semester would be conducted remotely, I was filled with so many questions. What will happen to my 40 hours of field experience required for my education courses? How will I do required math tutoring to replace my praxis core online? What will my 6 online classes look like remotely? Will my professors be responsive to emails? Phone calls? I was doing so well in my classes, do I stand a chance now? I was forced to surrender, to throw my hands up and say, “I have no control over this situation. I am just going to keep up the hard work, and see how it plays out.” I was forced to slow down. To take a break. To flip the switch on moving 95 miles on hour like I was on a freeway.

Everything worked out. I navigated the online course work, talked with each of my professors, figured out how to complete math tutoring online. The work load was still extreme, and in some ways worse because it was all remote learning. For a while the stress was still just as present, even if I didn’t have to drive 2 hours a day to school and home anymore. However, my professors accommodated students to the best of their abilities, advocated for the students during such an unprecedented time, and I am a few weeks away from completing my hardest semester of undergrad ever.

I’m not sure how I feel. In some ways, I wish I didn’t do that to myself, taking 18 credits I mean. In other ways, I ‘m glad I did, because I pushed myself harder than ever before. I’m not sure if I am glad that things moved online or if I wish things had stayed the way they were before. In some ways, I missed out on part of the excitement of my classes. I missed out on my college routine. I missed out on car rides and music. On the other hand, I gained moments. I gained some peace, some stillness, and a breather that at some points felt heavenly because I was so overworked and overwhelmed.

I did have the chance during this strange time, to reflect on myself in a way that I have never yet done. I realized how many people care about me, but I have also realized how lonely I am. I danced slightly tipsy in the kitchen to ‘Dancing Queen’ with my sister on her 21st (quarantined) birthday at 11 PM. I have realized how important artists are: actors, authors, and musicians. They are the ones keeping the homebound sane with novels, sweet songs, and movies. As a writer, reader, thinker, and future literature teacher, this made my heart sing in a very special way. I have read scripture more, felt understood, and also realized my shortcomings. I have realized how strong I am, and also how I can be better, to myself and to others. I always knew this one: but I was reminded of how precious life is, and time itself.

If you are struggling in any way, take this time to remember that you are not alone. You are heard, felt, thought of, cheered on, and connected. Take this time to refresh, remind, realize, and reflect.

This time feels like a giant reset button. This too shall pass, and when it does, let us not forget how we used it to fill in the gaps, how we took time to slow down, to breathe, and to be still. To be still is a gift. As we return, let us take with us the appreciation of the simple things, daily and mundane tasks, and the slow days. Let us recognize when we are exhausting ourselves, our partners, our friends, our values, our simple moments. Let us not be afraid to take the time to fill in the gaps. To be still for as long as it takes.