Persevering Paige

Sunday after mass I went to visit my Mom. I had a lot of stuff I wanted to tell her, and some answers I needed to get. After I had spent about 25 minutes talking out loud to her, a truck pulled up. I started to talk quieter, because I’ve found that when there are strangers around, I feel awkward visiting departed loved ones. A man got out and said hello, I said hi back. He made his way over, looked at me, looked at the grave, and asked, “Grandmother? Mother? Friend?” I said, “This is my Mom.”

He immediately started to tear up, and told me as he pointed to the grave to the left of my Mom’s, “This is my son, he died at 21 and this is my wife. She called me on the 21st of December saying the right side of her face was numb. It turned out she had brain cancer and she died 17 days later.” Tears fell from my eyes. I responded, “My Mom had cancer too.” He shook his head, crying again.

He asked me how old my Mom was when she died. I told him 41, as well as included the details of how old I was when she was diagnosed, and how long she fought for. Toward the end of my conversation I said, “It doesn’t make sense how she was declared cancer free and it can just come back.” He looked at me and said, “I’ll tell you something Paige…it’s bullshit.” I laughed. He continued, “I have spent countless hours on the internet researching cancer, and how much money has been poured into researching it?” “Yeah…” I said. He looked down and that topic kind of faded into the clear air.

He then began to tell me all about his son, his wife, and all of the plans he and his wife made together. He said,”Our pool we just got finished is so beautiful. It cost 48,000 dollars. She was so excited, but she will never get to swim in it.” My eyes started to tear up again. He then said, “I’m really sorry about your Mom.”

As I looked around, picked up a piece of grass, I responded, “It’s okay…it’s been a while.” He introduced himself to me, and I said, “I’m Paige” and half-smiled.

He said, “I’m all alone now”, and continued to pour out his heart to me. He told me how he cleaned the garage today just to have something to do and he ended up finding his wife’s tools she used to cut her tomatoes. He looked down, and said, “I can’t help but cry every day.” I told him, “I wish I had the answers, but I don’t. I try to make the best of it, because…what can you do? You know?” He said, “I like your attitude, Paige.” I cried again and said thanks.

I asked him if he wanted my number, and he immediately said, “no that’s okay.” I was thinking he would be welcome to come over one day and meet my stepdad. I pictured them in my mind as being able to develop a compatible friendship. As I said it, I hoped it didn’t come across the wrong way. Sometimes my friendly innocence can do that. Shortly after a little pause, he said, “Maybe I’ll see you here again. I live 3 minutes away.”

He finally said, “Well I’m going to go Paige.” I said okay, and as he got into his truck he started it, but quickly turned it off. I thought it might have been a mistake but when I looked up, I saw him walking back over to me. He told me, “I saw your bumper sticker says fight like a girl, and I had to show you this. You’re going to love it. This is Bonnie, my beautiful wife. Isn’t she beautiful?” I answered, “Wow, she’s gorgeous.” It was a picture of her wearing a fight like a girl shirt. I said, “Here. This is a picture of my Mom.” He said, “Wow…she’s young.” I responded back, “Yeah, in that picture.” He looked at me with a silly look on his face and said, “41 is still very young.”

Anyway, I feel like I was supposed to meet that man today. I wasn’t able to stop crying the rest of that day, but a good cry, you know? Everyone is hurting, but what we need is Love. We can’t fight pain with more pain. We need to be that one to reach out and say, “I understand, it’s okay, tell me more.” The sun, ironically, was that Sunday’s most noticeable feature, and all I can say is that it’s sunny inside my heart too, regardless of the pain.