Persevering Paige

We all know that no matter what you do in your life, there will always be people that find something to critique. Whether it be family that care about you and just want to help, and think by giving you their opinion that they’re doing so; or whether it be people that simply know of you and find it worthwhile to comment-you simply can’t escape it.

In a painful reflection, on August 15th (almost a month ago), I left for what I thought was the start of my college adventure. I had done everything I needed to do for the big day. I had spent the entire summer dorm shopping, getting the appropriate collegiate loans in order to pay for school, sending in all of the necessary paperwork to the college, etc. What I didn’t know, and what a lot of other people didn’t know was that if I were to simply listen to myself, I would be on a different path. In order for you to understand this, and me, in its entirety, I will need to flashback to my senior year for a little bit.

…… so flashback to senior year. As many people already know, my senior year was not the average senior year by any means. Long story short, because I will not go into that much detail, my best friend since early childhood lost her battle to Ewing’s Sarcoma bone cancer 2 months before graduation. It was extremely difficult, and adding in the fact that I had already lost both of my parents, it made it an unfathomably difficult situation. Anyway, I managed to make it through the rest of senior year (which had many more uncountable struggles) and cross that stage and yes, I love myself so much for being able to do that. On a different note, my boyfriend of three years decided to go to school across the country, which I supported him and his decision 100% because I wanted him to do what was best for him and I knew that this was it, but that was so incredibly hard for me to digest and accept. All summer, I was dreading college move in day (we had the same move in date). Partially it was because I did not want him to leave. Even though we would still be together, my mind took it as “this is another loss, you’re losing another person”-which really messed me up even more than I already was. The great unknown was scary, too. Just the realization that I would not see him for weeks hurt so badly, because it’s another person my heart would be aching for. I also kept thinking about how he could wake up one day and find someone closer to him, and not need me anymore. I did not expect him to do this by any means, but still, it sucked. So here, you have this broken-hearted girl that is truly and utterly a mess, and everyone else around me is deciding on college’s, and I did decent in high school despite everything, so I thought it was what I was ‘supposed’ to be doing. Mistake #1. You go to college, especially a four year institution because you want to, not because you feel like you’re supposed to. I also thought I was too good for community college at the time, so that also helped to get me off to a 4 year school.

I toured Meredith College 5 days before my senior prom, and I wasn’t nuts about the whole idea, but if I had to pick a college, I liked this one the most I was going to like a college, and I chose it a week later. My tour guide was super nice, it was a pretty campus, they had the right feel for my personality type and a good program for the major I planned on pursuing so I chose it as my college. I was a girl with all of these hidden feelings, I didn’t listen to them myself so I definitely didn’t talk to anyone else about them. I wanted to get it over with and move on,  I thought I was doing the right thing. My boyfriend was going off to school, all of my friends were, this was right.

|So back to the story|

August 13, 2015- I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend of three years as we headed our separate ways to begin college. Even though we both didn’t move in until the 15th, my school was in Raleigh, NC and we were leaving early on the 14th to drive down and get a hotel in the Raleigh area so that we could make it to the school in time for move in day on the 15th. So we had to say goodbye on the night of he 13th even though Hunter wasn’t flying to Arizona until the morning of the 15th. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life was say goodbye to him that cloudy night. I cried while saying goodbye, I cried the entire way home, and eventually stopped so that I could get some rest. When I woke up the next morning on August 14th, and to describe it to the best that I can, I felt 12 times lighter than my normal weight, kind of like I was floating. I gathered the rest of my belongings together, ran last minute errands in town, drove my car for one last bittersweet time, carried everything out the door and packed it into the rental car that my grandma had gotten for the trip. I hugged my stepdad, got in the car, and off I went.

The car ride down to Raleigh was smooth, quick, and for the most part easy. We got to the hotel fine, and it was only 2.5 miles from the school. I carried in my tiny bag for overnight, and layed down on the bed with my face towards the wall. I was on the verge of tears and didn’t want anyone to know. I started to cry, but quietly, as so many things ran through my mind. My heart was aching, and no one had a clue just how much. A few minutes later my grandma said that she was going to get some dinner, and even though I wasn’t hungry at all, I told her okay. My brother and sister went with her. As soon as they left, tears started flowing out of my eyes like a river. I was so heartbroken that Hunter and I were separated, I was so not ready for this huge transition in my life-and I couldn’t act in the least that I was. I was miserable and I hadn’t even gotten there yet.

The morning of the 15th, move in day, I felt even worse. My roommate and suitemates texted me excited and I responded back hoping I didn’t sound as miserable as I was. I was able to send Hunter a few texts, but he couldn’t respond because he was already on a plane to Arizona. I got dressed and headed down to the hotel lobby to have some breakfast with my sister. That’s when it started. My stomach clenched up and I couldn’t get anything down. I was physically not hungry. I crossed my arms, because sitting tightly in that position made the pain I was feeling go away. I managed to get 4 cheerios down and I drank most of this tiny cup of hotel coffee. My sister and I went back up to the room, got our bags, and went downstairs to the car…this time I was really off. My grandma said in a peppy tone of voice, “Off we go!!” and I just had this blank look on my face, and gave a lousy half smile when she looked over at me. We put the address of the school into the GPS and within 5 minutes we were at the light to turn into Meredith College. My grandma said again, “Meredith College!”, I said in return, “yeah!”

We pulled through the gate into the school and there were upperclassman banging on frying pans to greet us with the craziest outfits on, this time I smiled for real, although I still think my grandma got more of a kick out of it than I did. There was also this huge balloon arch to greet us, which was cool and made me happy for a few seconds. We pulled into this waiting line of cars and waited 45 minutes until our line was dismissed to drive over to my dorm. It was still going to take forever to get to my dorm so I ended up jumping out of the car and carrying a few of my boxes over to my dorm with my brother. I checked in, filled out some paperwork, got my dorm key, found my dorm and set my boxes down…then went back out to get more. On the way out of the dorm building, I saw boyfriend’s of the girls helping them lift boxes out of their cars, and parents doing the same. I truly felt like I was dying inside.

I met my roommate and finally got all of the boxes to my dorm. She was super nice, and actually just like I had imagined her. Her family was very nice too. I found out from the orientation packet that they handed us, that the school had actually planned a day full of events for us to do. I was so upset at this because I was waiting on a phone call from Hunter to let me know that he had landed and I wanted to spend this day with my family. Hunter ended up calling me before any of the sessions started, and I had time to go to the campus store and the dining hall with my family. I still could not get anything down.

My family eventually left, and that was pretty emotional. The rest of the day passed just like every other day. The next morning, I woke up feeling like, internally, every part of me was crashing down. It was more than just a ‘tough college transition’, it was heartbreak and misery to a complexity that very few human beings can understand. I woke up the next morning feeling the same way, and still could not get anything down. I had also been crying the majority of the last few days. I was calling loved ones on the phone and all of them were saying that it would get better and that I needed to give it time. The next day, nothing changed and I called my aunt crying and she said, “If you came home what would the alternative be?” that hit me hard, because surely feeling like this was not healthy or the only option. She then said, “I feel like your Mom wouldn’t want to see you come home, because you wanted this so badly and you worked so hard for it. But I also feel like she wouldn’t want you there if she knew how sad you were.” Other family members reminded me that if I came home, Hunter wouldn’t be here, and that everyone experiences some sort of homesickness. The next day, it got so bad for me that I called the counseling center and left a note in my RA’s box. The counseling center was so glad I called and told me to come down whenever I could. I did just that. I met with the counselor on call, she was very nice, her name was Beth. I told her exactly how I was feeling. I think it went something like this…, “I just feel so…sad. I really do want to be here, but it’s like no matter how hard I try, I can’t get this feeling to go away. (at this point I’m crying-laying my heart out to this woman) I feel like I jumped off of the diving board instead of wading myself into the water first… I lost both of my parents, and I just lost my best friend in March, and my boyfriend of three years is across the country now, and I feel like this transition would be hard without all of that, and that just makes it unbearable. I really do love Meredith, but I feel like I just need to get myself in a better place before I go off to a 4 year school.” She just listened, and we set up an appointment for the next day. When I got back to my room, my RA had written me this really sweet note back. It was really great to know that I had so many people there for me. I called Hunter and he asked how counseling went and if I had eaten anything. I told him that it went well and that I would try but that I wasn’t hungry. He said, “I’m trying to figure out why it has been so hard for you.”

The next day I met with my counselor, and left. But shortly after I left, I returned with a note to leave in her room-telling her that I had decided to withdraw and return home. She called me shortly after she got back to her office and received my note.

So many things were running through my mind like…Will I be made fun of by people? Will I be able to register for community college classes this semester? Ultimately, everything worked out, and I made the right decision. I love that Meredith College’s slogan is, “Come to Meredith and find out just how strong you are”. I realized so much that week. It was such a self-identifying week for me, and I did learn just how strong I am. I realize that no one will ever be able to comprehend just how hard August 15-August 21 was for me, but it’s stuff like this that I hope brings them closer to.

~and since I learned so very much, I figured I must share it with you. I learned the power of listening to yourself. You know what feels right and what feels wrong, and doing what is best for you is so important. I learned that there are so many ways to go about things, even college. I learned that there is a difference between quitting and doing what is best for your well being. I learned that most people want what is best for you, and sometimes that means handing you their opinions, but you can pick and choose from them as to which ones you want to keep and which ones you want to trash-because you know what is best for you. I learned that when you have been through a certain amount of heartbreak-sometimes you need to take a different approach to things, for your own benefit. I learned that those people that want to make fun of me for coming home from school have not been through nearly as much as I have and probably never will in their entire lifetime-so they will never ‘get it’. I learned that I will be in so much less debt when I graduate college by doing 2 years at a community college. I learned that I know who I am, and I am not the girl that drinks and parties, and that is okay. I learned that I am not meant for a four year, out of state college at this point in my life and that is perfectly okay too.

There are so many reasons why I chose to do what I did, but I have been home for 3 weeks now, and feel so much better, which proves that my feelings were so much more than Hunter leaving. I am registered for community college classes, looking for a better job, went back to attending weekly mass (which helps me so much) and have started volunteering as a CCD aide. I have even been eating better to gain the 4.5 pounds back that I lost at Meredith. My grandmother rented another rental car and drove up to Raleigh less than a week later to get me. At this point in my life, I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I firmly believe that I was at Meredith the time that I was for a reason, and I left for a reason too. I am thankful that I was able to go and try, and for experiencing such a great school for the time that I did. I met so many amazing young women and if it were under different circumstances, I have no doubt that I would still be there.

Right now I am listening to Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift and I feel like my soul is being put back together. There is something about that song, just like there is something about my journey.

My life continues to be quite the journey, leading me to the ever unknown of where I’m supposed to be. When I safely get there, I’ll let you know. Until then enjoy my writing. You know it’s good and will only get better because…it’s this climatic and I’m not even 19 yet.